It is my mission to encourage at least one person to take the time to heal. Its 3 am and my mind is up throwing this whole thing together. Something is telling me to share the most valuable things I’ve learned in this process so here it is. Prioritize my healing, love myself through triggers, and welcome my emotions as they come.
I’m not going to get into the decades of abuse and traumas that lead up to my PTSD, hyper vigilance, and the need for healing. I am aware that some people have had it worse and my purpose isn’t to wear it like a target or gain sympathy. But I will share with you what I have found increasingly important in the recent years of healing as a sober woman. To begin, there’s no way any of this healing could’ve taken place if I still drank alcohol. AA teaches to take one step at a time for a reason. Don’t be ashamed to need help; trust me, we all do in one way or another.
Thirty years I spent in survival mode. This is a place that is impossible to heal to the level of peace and freedom I am worthy of. I had to get out of it, survival mode, before I could live the life I dreamt of. This became my personal mission. So that was the beginning of making my rustic décor; it was the first tool I used in the journey to live and not just survive. It was the only safe place I had to express myself for years. Until I got sober and in a healthy loving relationship that is. So, the time period I will cover is the past few years as I am now going on three years sober. I know this will encourage someone reading this to heal no matter what it takes. Prioritize it; that’s the message here. That is my mission as an artist to shine light upon the possibilities of facing fears and overcoming them. Transforming your trauma into something absolutely beautiful.
I’ve spent most of my life in therapy and give God the glory for healing my soul. There’s a scripture that says “I planted the seed Apollos made it water and God made it grow” 1 Corinthians 3:6. This is where miracles have taken place, breakthroughs, and where breaking generational curses and cycles of abuse stopped. I planted the seed of healing by being willing to put in the work. My therapist (Apollos in this situation) taught me skills and valuable techniques to heal. God blessed the efforts. This is collectively how I have healed, grown, and learned how to live abundantly without having survival mode on.
It wasn’t until a few years of being sober that the traumas became something I seemed to have surface more frequently. Or so I thought that; but maybe I’m now safe enough to acknowledge the feelings associated with trauma triggers and love myself through it. Love yourself through the trauma triggers and welcome them. Literally that’s been the best advice my recent therapist has given me. I didn’t ask to be traumatized; I don’t wake up saying today I will have four triggers. It’s not my fault. It is no one’s responsibility to heal me but myself. I wouldn’t put that weight on anyone especially the man I love. He loves me to the point I actually feel safe enough to let it all out. For example, I’ll be laying with him watching a movie and my chest will get tighter and tighter heavier and heavier. I always feel it physiologically before I understand what’s happening. The trauma triggers. Sometimes it takes me minutes, other times hours to acknowledge why my body is so tense and I’m feeling angry or sad. A few of these times I get so hard on myself I spiral into the old patterns of low self esteem and not feeling good enough for anything. Living in the acknowledgement of what is happening to me was the first step to welcoming feelings and loving myself through it. Lately, I started welcoming these emotions as they surface. They typically stem from a specific form of abuse from a different time place and person. It’s rare that it’s the same traumatic experience surfacing for me especially now that I have tools to release them. In my past, things haunted me dozens of times a day. A lot of haling work has been done to get this far. So, as they surface, I listen to my body. I make space and time to welcome the feelings no matter how scary, then I love myself through it by being gentle. This information has been like gold to me. I am learning to be gentle with myself because I am worthy of that. I am loved by myself and by an incredible man. A man I wouldn’t have ever thought I was worthy of until I put in the work to believe I was worthy of him. I had to become the woman my future dream husband deserved. It all starts with you.
Maybe you’re reading this and love someone with PTSD or you have experienced trauma yourself regardless take the time to heal for your sake, for your children’s sake, for heavens sake. You alone are worthy of prioritizing your healing.
By accepting and loving myself through trauma triggers I have been able the release the weight of it …the weight I have carried for a lifetime. Its not mine to carry anymore I get to let it out and get it off my chest. Literally off my chest… that thing gets heavy when I need to get it out. This is a valuable time in my journey because I am learning to love myself. I am able to be the woman I’ve always wanted to be. I am able to be the mom I have been destined to be. I am able to share this part of my story with others in hopes they will be encouraged to prioritize their healing. Because on the other side of your comfort zone and familiarity is breakthroughs!!!! Start with one thing at a time and do not give up on yourself. There is almost no greater feeling than leaving my hypervigilance behind, my survival mode behind, leaving abusive people behind and living my life. Actually living. Not being triggered to the point of running out of the grocery store after finally filling up my shopping cart. Not having to go hide in my car, cover my ears and rock back in forth because I’m terrified all because a song came on that reminded me of someone who almost killed me. Not having to turn to substances or people to distract the terror that haunted me. To let it out in a way in which is much like releasing a balloon into the sky with a wish attached to it. Except the wish is the burden I carried associated with the traumatic events of my life. Giving it to God per say. Whatever it takes, go prioritize your healing no matter how scary, no matter how busy you are. Especially if you have anyone you love. Your capacity to love them and yourself with be so much greater if you do. At least it has been for me.
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